thursday rock steady

my seemingly aendless dullness seems to have come to a momentary stop spot... the doctor said my downess due to aterol withdrawl and it would go aaway... elso try sleeping less? my coach got angry it seemed at my lack of overpreparedness and mediocre preperation when he knows i can do better.... i said assignments would be good but i told him i didn't want him to bang on the piano like that. i don't need temper tantrums. anyway. i seem to have an ounce of energy and i suppose i should try to use it. he said many words and they made some sense.... don't you like singing.... you seem too.... why don't you work harder.... all because the notebook was empty of all but the new stuff... put the old stuff in here, too.... so we can go through a few bars of charlotte or something else, so that you can have it as part of your package. i have no vision of my successfully preparing these things in my sunfilled room... neat and not stinking of dirty socks... no vision of success.... just said that my voice has always been there and will be there and there is no reason to stress... no rush... what don't you like it? you need to do it... and it was kind of like freshman/sophomore year with andy and maria, my old teachers at roosevelt... so angry at my apathy in my studies. i do this as a job... what do i need to do to get prepared? if you are coaching me, i will do what you tell me to do. pretty much anything you tell me to do i can do it, like that.... i think, what's the issue? you want more? you want me to love it, to go the extra mile? i say, i've had a long road here, i'm warming up to it again and god, all this tallk is stressing me and making me woant to just lie down dead.... so i am certainly imperfect and i don't know where to start, often and when.... i'll wait to see what i do with my weekend. i wish i had that boundless energy that once seemed always there... i'll listen to my coaching, study it, find some poulenc soungs, check out this verdi mezzo he mentioned.... rearrange my notebooks, put in the old arias, recopy the letter aria (or find it) make a list and check it twice...